I Will Try, To Fix You

That Boy From Skins (written on April 4th)

Last night was an average night. I watched Skins, cried my eyes out for a couple of hours after that, finally fell asleep (thanks to that wondrous Rain, rain, rain...) at about two am, and awoke rather suddenly, sweaty, crying, shaking, terrified... luckily without screaming... about half an hour later. So now it was about three am. I thought of a Shetland pony called Keith and something along the lines of a tutu, laughed and smiled for a bit, the thoughts eased me back into sleep, and then, I began the process again, and again, and again... until, it's half six in the morning, time to get ready for school. I write a short poem, to continue the adventures. I then get showered, wash my hair, and drown under that shower, rain. I then make my lunch (if I need one) and by 7:40 on the .D.O.T. I leave for school. Yes, I have a few problems, what I've just described is just the brim of them, that's quite a good nights sleep for me. Yet, this isn't even anywhere near the problems that some others have. But it's true, that no matter how many problems we have, there's always someone out there who has it a million times worse. So there's no point in sitting there, feeling sorry for yourself. What doesn't kill us will make us stronger, and I agree with that whole heartily.

Anyway, this particular Skins episode struck a chord with me. It was about a girl, my age, who has found herself pregnant. It shows of her struggle to tell her boyfriend, who's asked her to move in with him. Towards the end of the episode, the girl returns home, to find that her boyfriend has been taken to hospital, she still hasn't told him, but he hasn't told her... it's a secret... shhh... Her story shows real frustration, want, feeling, emotion... the boy, my favourite character, has a heart problem... and that's the bit that got me. Dead.

I cried, and I cried, and I cried. Frustration, anger at myself, the want, the need to DO something, to help. This person, genius... they've helped me more than anyone in the whole world has ever been able to. I can now sleep, MUCH better than what I could, even three weeks ago. I slept without waiting for my whole family to be upstairs... light switches... something I've never done before. Miracle. Yet I'm pretty sure that I'm the one that's caused this person's heart to take a turn for the worse. Me telling them my troubles has led to them having more troubles for them self, from lack of sleep, from worry. My fault. Yet here I am, awake, from worry about them. Chain. But then, I want to worry about them. Because worrying is the first reaction to caring about someone we love, who is hurt, or upset, or not even that. I worry about my friends, all the people I love, all the time... even if I know they're okay. I just SO badly want to help that person in the ways that they've helped me. I'd fight through anything in order to mend their heart, to make it all better. Because I couldn't bear the thought of him being the one on that hospital bed, losing him... like that boy in Skins.

So it's now the 8th of May. I was scared to post this blog, because maybe I was giving myself too much credit, and it showed me how selfish I'd been in blubbing out all my problems when they've got their own to contend with. But I've learnt a lot since I wrote it. One, that friends really are everything. I don't know what I would do without them. Two, just how lucky I am. Three, how easy I had / have it compared to so many. Four, there's light at the end of the darkness and my brain is screaming for it. You're so right. I just need to convince myself whole heartily that it's true, THIS is real. And I promise you that I'm trying so hard to believe, and I WILL believe it in the end. I can't possibly describe to you just how greatful I am. Greatful's not even the right word, but thank you, a quatrillion times. For all the opportunities you've given me, for all the shoulders to cry on, for the talks, the questions, the laughs, the punch ups, the music... everything.

Whoa, this is heavy

Doc Brown: There's that word again; "heavy". Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with the earth's gravitational pull?

A wise (but not old) musical genius once told me that building a time machine would be disastrous, because everyone would travel back to the crucifixion. And this is how we know that people haven't managed to build one in the future, because we'd see all these time machines in our history.

So I guess that that disproves the existence of the time machine, or the existence of a God, Jesus. Don't worry I'm not going to blab out some raging theory as to why I don't believe there is a God, but it does make you wonder, if something as sci-fi and surreal as a time machine could prove the existence of God. I'd find it rather funny.

Talking of funny, I think I must have had one of the best days of my life today. The sun was shining, I rode my bike into school (now my knees hate me), and I started my school day. Brains, light and light switches, more sense made clear by that same genius. Yeah, I had a shitty RS lesson, but no change there, but then music was great, greater than the greatest great lesson that ever called itself great. I just giggled and laughed, laughed and giggled all the way through, I even sat on the floor and took my shoes off. hahahahahahaha! Ah, it was so wonderfully random, with punch ups and piss takes, me not being able to phrase sentences correctly AGAIN, or just generally being a philistine. But hey, I get a free bottle of rum out of it too =P

So in high spirits, after nearly shouting cock porn very loudly across school (but managing to shout pop corn instead) I walked up the steep hill to de la salle pool... got there and thought, shit. I'd left my swimming stuff in my bloody locker at school. But no matter! I legged it back to school, grabbed the stuff, legged it back up the hill (which seemed a hell of a lot steeper than before) and jumped straight into the freezing pool. *ahhhhh*

Thank you for such a perfect day.

Funny

It's funny how something can be the meaning of your whole life, and you just couldn't imagine yourself ever doing anything else, you just love it too much. But all of a sudden, it's whisked away from you as if it never happened. But then, after such a long time, you try to go back to what ever it was that was once your whole life. It's as though you never left, but then you just can't do it anymore. It's just not the same, or you've discovered that you're just not strong enough to be reminded of the reasons why you made it your whole life.

But then that's the great thing about life itself, but more importantly, friends. They pull you through the down parts, helping you to cope with the reasons you left that world behind, and they give you a new life, even if they don't realise they're doing it.

IIIIIII'mmmm An Idiot! (like the Grinch)

Ok, so I'm very renowned for mixing the first letters of words up with the next word along. The best one for a while was the "I'm so sweat and hotty" one that made Marina laugh her head off for about ten hours straight. (and she still laughs now). Then the other day I came out with another completely stupid one (can't remember what it was) that made Marina AND Cecil giggle non stop whilst watching me spit my pot noodle out in desperate hope of catching my breath after not believing how stupid I was to say such a thing.

But then tonight, I topped it all really. There was some pop corn being passed round my family (my grand dad's birthday) and I said out loud "Can some one please pass me the cock porn?" *Oh cock*... I mean chicken.

There was also the alphabet incident in my English lesson last week. We had some how got into the topic of the picture alphabets that every kid sees in primary school. (as you do). And so, we were saying what pictures went with what letter.. A for Apple, B for Books, C for Cat etc. Then we got to the letter 'J' and I said "oh yeah, they always had a giraffe for J." *sigh*.

STUDIO!!!!! (to be read very fast)

Yay STUDIO!!!!! HAHAHAHA! So, a music studio has been built, and almost ready for creative brainpower and talents and spilt tea and art and comfy chairs that squeak and miniature golf and trapped sound and music and lyrics and laughter and fun and escape and freedom and red heads and brunettes and blondes and giants and dwarfs and pop princess tantrums and drummers drummings and bassists bassings and guitarists strummings and singers coughings and splutterings and excitement and producing and macintosh freezings and screamings and woop!ings and WOWings and jeezings and swearings and huggings and celebrating and and and! the list goes on FOREVER!!! And Man, am I excited! It's not even mine but jeeze I can't WAIT to get in there!!!!

It'll Be Alright, Alright

1 yr on + going strong.
I have a life to live + do it in song.

Fix You (Written on April 30th)

Yesterday was such a perfect day. Not in the way that everything felt bright and brilliant, or that the weather was shining (because it really wasn't that kinda perfect), but in the way that there were four perfect moments that I want to hold onto forever.

We'd just come out of an assembly from the church at school, in which the Cold Play song 'Fix You' was played. We were underneath the little entrance of the church, when they turned round and sang to me the line from the song that says "I will try, to fix you." Everything in that moment seemed to stop, even as the rain hammered down on us. And if there's something to fight for, there it was, my reason. (but that's not to say that I didn't have reason to fight before. There are so many people and things to fight for.)

It was then after lunch, that I came back from a lesson, and Marina was waiting there for me. "I've been waiting for you to come back, so I can say goodbye before I leave." She was only going home, not away or anything. But she attached herself to me as if we'd been sewn together, never to be torn apart. A second perfect moment.

I then sat in front of this computer and checked all my usual feeds, the last one being Marina's blog. As I sat there and read, I cried, laughed out loud and I just felt so happy. I just can't describe.

I was in bed at around 11:00. I had just downloaded onto my ipod three versions of "Fix You", and orchestral version, a choir version and the original. And for the first time, I listened to all the words.

Perfect.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you.

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Beauty

Some of my favourite pictures in the world aren't the ones where we all look picture perfect and beautiful, but the most revolting, ugly, spotty, dribbley, cross-eyed or just generally stupid ones... that make me laugh. They hold so many memories of time spent with my friends where none of us cared about vanity or self-pride, just that moment in which we all lived.