Fix You (Written on April 30th)

Yesterday was such a perfect day. Not in the way that everything felt bright and brilliant, or that the weather was shining (because it really wasn't that kinda perfect), but in the way that there were four perfect moments that I want to hold onto forever.

We'd just come out of an assembly from the church at school, in which the Cold Play song 'Fix You' was played. We were underneath the little entrance of the church, when they turned round and sang to me the line from the song that says "I will try, to fix you." Everything in that moment seemed to stop, even as the rain hammered down on us. And if there's something to fight for, there it was, my reason. (but that's not to say that I didn't have reason to fight before. There are so many people and things to fight for.)

It was then after lunch, that I came back from a lesson, and Marina was waiting there for me. "I've been waiting for you to come back, so I can say goodbye before I leave." She was only going home, not away or anything. But she attached herself to me as if we'd been sewn together, never to be torn apart. A second perfect moment.

I then sat in front of this computer and checked all my usual feeds, the last one being Marina's blog. As I sat there and read, I cried, laughed out loud and I just felt so happy. I just can't describe.

I was in bed at around 11:00. I had just downloaded onto my ipod three versions of "Fix You", and orchestral version, a choir version and the original. And for the first time, I listened to all the words.

Perfect.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
And ignite your bones,
And I will try to fix you.

High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Beauty

Some of my favourite pictures in the world aren't the ones where we all look picture perfect and beautiful, but the most revolting, ugly, spotty, dribbley, cross-eyed or just generally stupid ones... that make me laugh. They hold so many memories of time spent with my friends where none of us cared about vanity or self-pride, just that moment in which we all lived.

If I Had A Million Dollars

Wow. Anyone who knows me well enough will tell you that I'd rather have a Piano than a house. And man, is that true. Who ever invented this mash of strings, wood, hammers and ivory, you are a genius, a legend. You just can't beat the sound of a piano, you just can't.

And here is it: tomorrow, I'm getting my very own, REAL piano, complete with stings, wood, hammers and ivory, delivered to my front door. And it's being given to me. wow.

I don't know if the people who are giving this piano to me realise how they've made a childhood, teenagehood, and technically adulthood (seeing as I'm now 18) dream come true. I've always wanted a real piano, much more than I want a house.

Cecil said that she could imagine me dragging my grand piano from street to street, dressed in dirty clothes, tired and homeless, but happy. Happy because I'd got my piano with me. And I'd sit there and play it till my fingers bled, morning, noon and night.

ARGH!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(God, I needed that.)

Thank You Lyle.

I stumbled across a personality test that Lyle gave a link to in his blog. Here was my result:

Your personality type:
Popular and sensitive, with outstanding people skills. Externally focused, with real concern for how others think and feel. Usually dislike being alone. They see everything from the human angle and dislike impersonal analysis. Very effective at managing people issues and leading group discussions. Interested in serving others and probably place the needs of others over their own needs.

Some of it was quite accurate a thought, and the rest very flattering if you think it applies to me.

But here's what it said I should become. As I was reading this list I was becoming increasingly worried that my one career dream was not coming up. But *phew* there it was, at the bottom of the pile:

Careers that could fit you includes:
Teachers, consultants, psychiatrists, social workers, counselors, clergy, sales representative, human resources, managers, events coordinators, politicians, diplomats, writers, actors, designers, homemakers, musicians, religious workers. (and HA to becoming a religious worker. But then I also feel myself being slowly drawn in to beliving in God...)

Never Leave A Laptop In A Blonde's Bathroom.

Here's To All Those Who Spend Lots Of Time To Give Us A Little Giggle.

I Will Try, To Fix You.

That Boy From Skins (written on April 4th)

Last night was an average night. I watched Skins, cried my eyes out for a couple of hours after that, finally fell asleep (thanks to that wondrous Rain, rain, rain...) at about two am, and awoke rather suddenly, sweaty, crying, shaking, terrified... luckily without screaming... about half an hour later. So now it was about three am. I thought of a Shetland pony called Keith and something along the lines of a tutu, laughed and smiled for a bit, the thoughts eased me back into sleep, and then, I began the process again, and again, and again... until, it's half six in the morning, time to get ready for school. I write a short poem, to continue the adventures. I then get showered, wash my hair, and drown under that shower, rain. I then make my lunch (if I need one) and by 7:40 on the .D.O.T. I leave for school. Yes, I have a few problems, what I've just described is just the brim of them, that's quite a good nights sleep for me. Yet, this isn't even anywhere near the problems that some others have. But it's true, that no matter how many problems we have, there's always someone out there who has it a million times worse. So there's no point in sitting there, feeling sorry for yourself. What doesn't kill us will make us stronger, and I agree with that whole heartily.


Anyway, this particular Skins episode struck a chord with me. It was about a girl, my age, who has found herself pregnant. It shows of her struggle to tell her boyfriend, who's asked her to move in with him. Towards the end of the episode, the girl returns home, to find that her boyfriend has been taken to hospital, she still hasn't told him, but he hasn't told her... it's a secret... shhh... Her story shows real frustration, want, feeling, emotion... the boy, my favourite character, has a heart problem... and that's the bit that got me. Dead.

I cried, and I cried, and I cried. Frustration, anger at myself, the want, the need to DO something, to help. This person, genius... they've helped me more than anyone in the whole world has ever been able to. I can now sleep, MUCH better than what I could, even three weeks ago. I slept without waiting for my whole family to be upstairs... light switches... something I've never done before. Miracle. Yet I'm pretty sure that I'm the one that's caused this person's heart to take a turn for the worse. Me telling them my troubles has led to them having more troubles for them self, from lack of sleep, from worry. My fault. Yet here I am, awake, from worry about them. Chain. But then, I want to worry about them. Because worrying is the first reaction to caring about someone we love, who is hurt, or upset, or not even that. I worry about my friends, all the people I love, all the time... even if I know they're okay. I just SO badly want to help that person in the ways that they've helped me. I'd fight through anything in order to mend their heart, to make it all better. Because I couldn't bear the thought of him being the one on that hospital bed, losing him... like that boy in Skins.


So it's now the 8th of May. I was scared to post this blog, but I've learnt a lot since I wrote it. One, that friends really are everything. I don't know what I would do without them. Two, just how lucky I am. Three, how easy I had / have it compared to so many. Four, there's light at the end of the darkness and my brain is screaming for it. You're so right. I just need to convince myself whole heartily that it's true, THIS is real. And I promise you that I'm trying so hard to believe, and I WILL believe it in the end. I can't possibly describe to you just how greatful I am. Greatful's not even the right word, but thank you, a million times. For all the opportunities you've given me, for all the shoulders to cry on, for the talks, the questions, the laughs, the punch ups, the music... everything.