Last night was an average night. I watched Skins, cried my eyes out for a couple of hours after that, finally fell asleep (thanks to that wondrous Rain, rain, rain...) at about two am, and awoke rather suddenly, sweaty, crying, shaking, terrified... luckily without screaming... about half an hour later. So now it was about three am. I thought of a Shetland pony called Keith and something along the lines of a tutu, laughed and smiled for a bit, the thoughts eased me back into sleep, and then, I began the process again, and again, and again... until, it's half six in the morning, time to get ready for school. I write a short poem, to continue the adventures. I then get showered, wash my hair, and drown under that shower, rain. I then make my lunch (if I need one) and by 7:40 on the .D.O.T. I leave for school. Yes, I have a few problems, what I've just described is just the brim of them, that's quite a good nights sleep for me. Yet, this isn't even anywhere near the problems that some others have. But it's true, that no matter how many problems we have, there's always someone out there who has it a million times worse. So there's no point in sitting there, feeling sorry for yourself. What doesn't kill us will make us stronger, and I agree with that whole heartily.
Anyway, this particular Skins episode struck a chord with me. It was about a girl, my age, who has found herself pregnant. It shows of her struggle to tell her boyfriend, who's asked her to move in with him. Towards the end of the episode, the girl returns home, to find that her boyfriend has been taken to hospital, she still hasn't told him, but he hasn't told her... it's a secret... shhh... Her story shows real frustration, want, feeling, emotion... the boy, my favourite character, has a heart problem... and that's the bit that got me. Dead.
I cried, and I cried, and I cried. Frustration, anger at myself, the want, the need to DO something, to help. This person, genius... they've helped me more than anyone in the whole world has ever been able to. I can now sleep, MUCH better than what I could, even three weeks ago. I slept without waiting for my whole family to be upstairs... light switches... something I've never done before. Miracle. Yet I'm pretty sure that I'm the one that's caused this person's heart to take a turn for the worse. Me telling them my troubles has led to them having more troubles for them self, from lack of sleep, from worry. My fault. Yet here I am, awake, from worry about them. Chain. But then, I want to worry about them. Because worrying is the first reaction to caring about someone we love, who is hurt, or upset, or not even that. I worry about my friends, all the people I love, all the time... even if I know they're okay. I just SO badly want to help that person in the ways that they've helped me. I'd fight through anything in order to mend their heart, to make it all better. Because I couldn't bear the thought of him being the one on that hospital bed, losing him... like that boy in Skins.
So it's now the 8th of May. I was scared to post this blog, but I've learnt a lot since I wrote it. One, that friends really are everything. I don't know what I would do without them. Two, just how lucky I am. Three, how easy I had / have it compared to so many. Four, there's light at the end of the darkness and my brain is screaming for it. You're so right. I just need to convince myself whole heartily that it's true, THIS is real. And I promise you that I'm trying so hard to believe, and I WILL believe it in the end. I can't possibly describe to you just how greatful I am. Greatful's not even the right word, but thank you, a million times. For all the opportunities you've given me, for all the shoulders to cry on, for the talks, the questions, the laughs, the punch ups, the music... everything.
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