Earlier... I was asked if I'm happy.To which I replied "yup yup".
That was not a lie. I've never been happier, spending everyday writing songs, orchestral pieces, anything that just happens to melt out of my brain fibers and into my mac, converted into sound waves and making their way back into my brain in concepts such as beauty, freedom, love... listen.
Yet two seconds after the conversation finished, I burst into tears. I don't know why. Probably a mixture of things... tiredness and confusion I guess. Work.
I've just spent the last couple of hours talking to my family at home. Sash went next door and played Ronald for me, his beautiful sound, even through converted electronic wave forms, cheered me up so much.
I've been listening a lot to a CD that my brother gave me last weekend. Cow Boy Bebop. The most amazing mixture of music I've ever heard on one disc. Shivers. The music is beautiful, gritty, silenced, wanting, longing, clever... just all those feelings and words that cant describe such an odd sort of beauty. I love it. It makes me dance.
I know Marina would love it. There's one piece of music called Space Lion, which has, just, one of the most beautiful saxophone solos I've ever heard, surrounded by perfect reverb, that you just have to listen to in the dark, with nothing around you, and your eyes closed. There's only one other song I've heard, with a saxophone solo in that I also have to do that with. It's just so beautiful. And just as you're lost, african choirs and beats trail in and add that bit of excitement to it, whilst keeping that internal feeling of firey warmth inside your chest.
I guess the fact that I'm not going to see Marina this Christmas is hitting hard. All I want to do is give her a hug, yet time wont allow for that it seems. Typical that she leaves for Spain on the morning of the afternoon that I get back to Jersey.
I've lost more weight. I've been eating healthily, and rather a lot... so I don't know why.
Only two weeks and I shall be turning 19. At home. With friends and family. 40 40 in the dark, like good old times. I hope there will be a Christmas tree in my lounge. The perfect smell of the pines fill my house, and Christmas is truly there.
Hmm. It's late and I should be in bed. My head is deadly silent, even though I can feel music swirling round and round and round... I feel as though I'm fighting to climb up an increasingly slippery slope. Being amongst only boys is really getting to me now. Don't get me wrong, I've made some really good friends here. It's just.. oh I don't know what I'm rambling on about... hey, I've got a clear mind now, and I'm home in less than two weeks, so I don't know why I'm getting down so easily. I'm just finding it a bit tough.
And I really wish the ringing in my ears would go away. Probably my brain making it up, or paying too much attention to it... through desperately never wanting my hearing to fade, or to vanish completely. Imagine never being able to listen.
I've just had my head out my window... clear stars and beautiful, as the steam rises out of my mouth in a simple puff of my lungs, my eye lids close, the music and dim light from my mac calm me even more...
That's what I think I love most about the winter... clear, pretty skies, and cold air pressing against skin.
Softy... I'm currently listening to Danny Elfman's "Wilbur's homecoming" - 9 minutes of absolute beauty. Jack Johnson, Angel, Adrift.
So little time, yet - time that moves so painfully slowly. Bed time.
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